Letters to YOU from Draco Malfoy
by MissesLovegoodEverdeenBaggins
Summary: Draco Malfoy writes letters for you. Yes YOU. *JK ROWLING OWNS HARRY POTTER* ALEB


Dear Drarry shippers,  
I have never had feelings for Potter nor will I ever! He hasn't had feelings for me, from what I know, either!

That's just disturbing. Potter is so...male. And a Gryffindor. I am with my love Astoria Greengrass, so you can get over your Muggle selves.  
~Draco Malfoy  
Dear Drapple shippers,  
Could you be any more ridiculous? That's me...with an apple! It's not even a person! Is the apple a male or a female, anyway? I was in the Room of Requirement and I was testing out one of my EVIL PLANS. BECAUSE I'M BAD. I wasn't kissing any apples, nor will I ever.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Dramione shippers,  
Do you really think that I, a pureblood prize to the Malfoy family tree, would ever consider fancying such a foul Mudblood? How ignorant can you be? Where do you come up with these things? She's married and so am I. Get over yourself.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Dron shippers,  
No. No. No. This is almost as bad as shipping me with Granger. HOW DARE YOU SHIP ME WITH WEAZLBEE! That filthy blood-traitor, the thought has never crossed my mind and...that's just foul.

Dear Druna shippers,  
Why would I even consider dating Loony Lovegood? She's a freaky weirdo. Uck. What in the bloody world is a Nargle anyway? Even if I did know, I'd never date such a creeper. She weirds me out, that one.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Dinny shippers,  
Again with the blood-traitors! Ginevra Weazlbee is a freaky ginger and I've never liked her. Even if I did, our children would look like they were smashed with a Bludger, and you know it. Only Potter could love a face like that.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Drabbe/Droyle shippers,  
Those were my friends, and only my friends! Eww. Even I've got to admit, they were pretty nasty-looking, those too.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Draverus/Drape shippers,  
Me...and Professor Snape? Sure, he took the Unbreakable Vow to protect me and whatever. But seriously, now? He wasn't even on the Dark Lord's side! He lied to me, my family, and the Dark Lord. The foul beast, I'm glad he's dead.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Dransy shippers,  
Yes, she probably did fancy me now that I think of it. I've never had feelings for that annoying little twat! Now that I think about this, she probably stalked me...  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Albus Potter/Scorpius Malfoy shippers,  
My son, another prize to our family tree, would never date him...Albus Potter. I deny him permission. He'd never be in love with him, and if he was, I'd forbid them to see eachother. I'd even send my son to Durmstrang or Pigfarts to get him away from that Potter boy.  
~Draco Malfoy (who is concerned of your sanity now)

Dear Drastoria shippers,  
Finally! Some sense. Thank you for having some common sense and knowing that I, the fantastic Draco Malfoy, am happily married to my pureblood wife Astoria. Astoria! Not, Potty, not Weasel, not Mudblood Granger. Astoria!  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Grucious/Lorge shippers,  
My own father...and a disgusting bloodtraitor Weasel? My father, happily married to my mother, would never stoop so low! How dare it even cross your filthy Muggle minds.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Potterheads,  
Thank you, thank you. I know that any series I am mentioned in must be quite amazing, really. I am actually writing an autobiography called _"Draco Malfoy a Pureblooded Prize" _and I suggest you read. I mean, if you read a book about Potter, you MUST read one about me, because it's actually good.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Twihards,  
What is this nonsense? How dare you call yourself human beings. I am disgusted. No wonder we have things against Muggles. I mean, as a child, I used to wonder if there was a specific reason, but now I know! How disgraceful. Never, ever, say that one can be a Potterhead AND Twihard (anyway, you should all be Malfoyheads). Twihards, you disgraceful beasts. I hope Robert Patter-whatever tells you that he loved being Cedric Diggory and NOT your creeper named Edwardo.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Tom Felton,  
You're portraying of me was okay. I mean, you chose the correct role, anyway. I could've been better, you know, as myself. I know all the parts by heart anyway. And that short Daniel Radclift or whoever, I could take him down without all the CGI, thank you very much.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear J.K. Rowling,  
A series about Potter? You must be kidding. Why not a series about me, the amazing Malfoy? I am much more interesting. You can add about how I was all ready to kill Dumbledore (it would have been easy, really), but then that Snape fellow comes along and ruins my spotlight and day. I am very happy that you used lots of details about his death-by-snake. I liked how you included me, though you did leave out a few other Slytherins, sadly.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Slytherins,  
I was one of the greatest Slytherins, you know. Most Malfoys are anyway. Perhaps you are one of my descendants! You are in the best house, you understand.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Gryffindors,  
Ugh, how foul! They still have that House? You are in one of the worst Houses, you know. You wish you were in Slytherin, don't you? I feel bad for you, sad little crumbs.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Ravenclaws,  
So, you are smart and whatever. Slytherin is better.  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear Hufflepuffs,  
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !  
~Draco Malfoy

Dear You,  
Hello You. I'm not sure I know your name. Is it...uhm...Jessica? If it is, yes, I knew that a Malfoy must be the smartest! Much smarter than that Mudblood Granger...ha ha! If it's not, well, that's my nickname for you! So, Jessica, did you like my letters to you and your Muggle friends and/or enemies? I bet you did...I wrote it, you know. Did you think someone wrote this for me? Did you think a Muggle named Aria Castronuova created this letters? Jessica! How dare you. Why am I even talking to you, Muggle filth?  
~Draco Malfoy.

P.S.  
I am not an amazing bouncing ferret!


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